The Truth I Didn’t Want to Admit: I Have an Avoidant Attachment Style

Zahra Khan
Dec 23, 2025
4 min read

For most of my life, I thought I was just independent, the girl who didn’t need anyone's help or love to breathe, didn’t fall easily, didn’t chase anyone, and didn’t lose sleep over mixed signals. I wore that identity like armor.

But somewhere between growing up, building a life from scratch, and watching everyone around me find relationships that looked so effortless, I started noticing a pattern in myself that wasn’t as empowering as I pretended it was.

It was avoidant attachment.

And I had no idea how deeply it ran in me until someone else said it out loud.

The Conversation That Triggered Everything

It actually took someone close to me pointing it out before I even considered that something deeper was happening. One day, my cousin and I were talking about my love life or honestly, my lack of one and she casually said:

“Zahra, you know you have an avoidant attachment style, right? That’s why you attract a certain type of man.”

I laughed it off in the moment because I was driving, but later that night, her words echoed in a place I couldn’t ignore. The way she said it wasn’t judgmental… it was observant. And everyone in my life who’s watched me in relationships would probably nod in agreement.

So, I did what any confused gen z woman does at 1 a.m. - I Googled it.

And suddenly everything clicked.

What Avoidant Attachment Really Means

According to every credible source I found (and yes, I spiraled into this rabbit hole for hours), here’s what avoidant attachment actually is:

Avoidant attachment style, also known as dismissive-avoidant, is a relationship pattern where someone deeply desires connection but feels safest by staying emotionally independent and not relying on others. It often develops in childhood when caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or expected the child to self-soothe too early.

Reading that felt like someone finally turned the lights on in a room I didn’t even realize I’d been sitting in.

It described me perfectly, the highs, the lows, the fears I never admitted even to myself.

Looking Back, It All Makes Sense Now

I’ve always chosen distance, even when my heart wanted closeness.

I convinced myself that:

“I’m just not into anyone.”

“He’s too emotional.”

“Relationships complicate life.”

But deep down, I knew what was happening.

People who showed genuine interest made me uncomfortable.

Consistency felt like pressure.

Vulnerability felt like exposure.

And the moment someone tried to get too close, I found a way to retreat.

Not because I didn’t care. But because I cared too much, and I didn’t know what to do with that level of emotional intimacy. Keeping everyone at an arm's length felt the safest because I was and still am terrified of getting hurt.

Avoidant attachment isn’t coldness, it’s fear dressed as independence.

Where It All Started

When I look at my childhood and how I was raised, I see the quiet lessons I absorbed without realizing it. I learned to be self-sufficient early. I learned not to rely on anyone. I learned that dealing with my emotions alone was easier than feeling like a burden.

At the time, that felt like strength. But in adulthood, it became a wall I didn’t know how to put down.

It shaped the way I dated. It shaped the people I attracted. It shaped the way I walked away before anyone got the chance to hurt me.

The Hardest Part Was Accepting It

Admitting to myself that I had avoidant traits wasn’t easy. There’s a certain pride in being “the independent one,” the one who doesn’t need constant reassurance, the one who’s in control.

But avoidance isn’t control.

It’s protection.

And sometimes protection becomes a prison.

Once I accepted that, everything else fell into place.

So What Am I Doing About It?

Discovering your attachment style is one thing. Healing it is another.

But here’s what’s been helping me soften in the right places:

Allowing intimacy without overthinking it
Not shutting down when someone gets emotionally close
Pausing before I run
Letting people show up for me, even in small ways
Understanding that independence and connection can coexist

I’m not trying to change who I am. I’m learning to grow into someone who can give and receive love without fear leading the conversation. Is it easy? Absolutely not. When the topic of marriage is brought up for people of my age, they get excited. Me? I get sick. Physically sick. I always feel like I want to throw up. The insides of me want to further crawl back inside of me. Wild right? Does anyone else feels this way?